Feels Like Home
by not-so-dumb-blonde
Summary: I'm Back! Well, there's Carter. There's Abby. There's my oh-so-preganant Susan. There's a few other guest appearances. There's angst, longing glances, romance, coffee and pie, and lets not forget spite. Also, I got a little help from Norah Jones. Just rea
1. Sunrise

I'm back! Yes, It has certainly been awhile hasn't it? Anyway, this is a challenge to myself. Ever since I opened Norah Jones' beautiful follow-up tp her Grammy® winning album _Come Away With Me_, I just had to embrace it. So, here I am. This will be an extended series where each of the chapters will be based upon her tracks. The title? It's the name of the album. I definitely recommend you get the album, rather both of them if you don't have them already. It's not your cup of tea? You'll like it anyway. I promise. 

*************

_Sunrise, Sunrise_

_Looks like the morning in your eyes_

_But the clocks held 9:15 for hours_

*********

Feels Like Home: Chapter 1 

She placed the crisp, white jacket over her shoulders. It was a surreal moment. Her listless mind wandered to her distant childhood. It was like she was eight again, and her younger brother had poured a five-gallon bucket of snow over her head while building their infamous icy fort. Funny, sometimes it felt like even now someone was right there to pour yet another bucket of snow over her head. _Maybe the ghost of Maggie past_, she mused wrapping the stethoscope round her thin neck. She couldn't help but let a grin slip in. No, not even her sorry excuse for a family could rain or, more appropriately, snow on her parade. She wasn't just Abby Lockhart, daring ER nurse anymore. She was Abigail Lockhart M.D., or at least that's what it said on her new lab coat. 

She glided outside of the lounge dressed in her usual motif. Black. What had Christina Ricci said in _Prozac Nation_ about women who wore black all the time? She shrugged it off and blamed in on her nerves. God, help the patients. 

She then made an impromptu swing by admit to find everything in perfect order. Frank was eating a doughnut while playing what looked like his 54th game of Pinball, Neela was here early as usual catching up on charts, Randi was popping her infamous bubble while taking the latest Cosmo dating quiz, and Susan was leaning over the trash can unleashing her acute morning sickness. 

" Do you want me to call Chuck or just find some Pepto Bismal?" 

The doctor lifted her face from the garbage and leered at her. She chuckled. Susan didn't have a hysterical fan base lately, especially with the males. 

" Did I tell you what happened the other night?" Abby shook her head. "Well, Chuck and I went to my father's usual hangout. The bar. He was there having what seemed to be a keg party with his buddies while watching a Red Wings game and eating Wisconsin's entire stock of beer nuts," She laughed again at Susan constant vivid negativity. " Anyway, I introduce him to Chuck, tell him he's gonna be a grandfather, and all he does is scream at the freaking goalie! I mean, the man didn't even look at me! I could have told him I was moving back to Phoenix to marry Dix and he still wouldn't have heard a damn thing I said! Men are incorrigible!" 

" The cowboy?" She asked, adding a smirk. 

" You really do hate me. Carter and I can start our own club now. We can call it the Abby Haters Club of America!" Susan knew that would hit a nerve. 

" The AHCA? Has a nice ring to it!" She replied in her usual sarcastic tone. 

" Ouch. We're still not happy about little Carter running around are we?" 

" I hope it dies." 

" Now, there's the Abby Lockhart we all know and tolerate!" 

" I'm just not up for playful Carter banter this early in the morning and I haven't even had coffee yet. By the way, its Dr. Lockhart." She let out a smug grin. 

" Has a nice ring to it!" 

" Speaking of Carter and rings, have you seen it?" 

The two buttoned up as they saw the familiar face casually walk up to the desk. 

" Morning." He greeted nonchalantly, heading over to the slew of untouched charts. 

" Hey Carter." Susan had always believed in that Proverb. What was it? A cheerful heart doth good medicine or something like that? 

" How's our newest resident or shall I say my newest slave?" He joked. 

" Great. I'll see you later." She couldn't bare to look at him again. Not the way she used to or maybe still did. 

As she excused herself, he watched her leave. 

*********

_Sunrise, Sunrise _

_Couldn't tempt us if it tried _

_Cuz' the afternoon's already come and gone _

**********

As the day went on, Abby had more of those surreal moments. Those of childhood, college, past relationships. She soon dropped out of her current reverie due to a patient's incessant on-goings about her aches, pains, and choking cough. The Flu season had hit Chicago like a bolt of lightning. However, this seemed only to be the calm before the storm 

" Honey, you seem out of it. You must have had a horrible day . . .that's cold!" The old woman consoled, as Abby placed the stethoscope to her chest.

" You must have had a horrible week. Your lungs don't sound very good. I think it's the flu, but we'll get a chest film just to be sure," she looked out into the din of scrubs looking for her next victim, "Malik, could you take Mrs. Rexton to X-ray?" 

" Abby, you know that new radiologist they've got hates me!" He whined. 

"I didn't sleep with her and not call her for a week." She grinned. 

" You owe me, Lockhart!" He gnashed his teeth. 

" What was that?" 

" Yes, Dr. Lockhart." The male nurse flashed a toothy, faux grin. 

As soon as Malik wheeled the geriatric away in the wheelchair, Sam darted toward Abby's direction. 

" Multiple stab wounds to the chest and abdomen. The kid is coming behind them with the police. We need an extra pair of hands. " Sam rattled. 

" What?" She could barely contain the words. 

" What's that rhyme? Lizzie Borden took an axe . . ." 

" Say no more." 

************

_Sunrise, Sunrise_

_Couldn't find it in your eyes _

_But I'm sure it's written all over my face_

*************

The pain in her back was like pins and needles. It had been a horrible day where things had gotten worse by the hour . . .minute . . .or even second. She exhaled. It was extremely difficult to decipher between the smoke and her visible breathe. The Marlboro man had been her constant companion through her second bat with medical school. When she had casually mentioned this to Susan at lunch, her friend gave her a devilish smile and replied that Carter was so much better than Cancer on a stick. She smiled at her thought. _Crazy bitch_. 

Fumbling with her freshly opened package, she gracefully brought up her third one to her lips to be lit. 

" That's a horrible habit. You should quit." 

She knew who it was, and decided not to face him. 

"Old habits die hard?" She opined, exhaling once more. 

He smiled. They were actually being pleasant. " I told you that you would be a great doctor. You do impeccable work." 

" I try. How's Kem?" She spit out that name in disgust, and he knew it. He looked down at his shoes and the slushy ground. 

" She's doing good. It kicked yesterday." 

The snow began drizzling once again. The small flakes landed gently on her black coat and dark hair. 

" That's great. Are you off?" When all else fails, change the subject. 

" Yeah." He shortened his response to one word. Better safe than sorry. 

" Coffee and pie on me?" She asked. At that moment, she wasn't sure if it was a moment of weakness or just pure blind devotion. 

" You know what? Sure." He smiled as they walked off arm in arm. 

*************

_Sunrise, Sunrise _

_Never Something I could hide _

_When I see we made it through another day_

_*************_

" No way! They didn't kill Luka because they thought he was a priest?"

" Yeah. It was the strangest thing. The Congolese gave it to him for saving her child. He started praying in Croatian and they saved him. Talk about Godspeed." 

She smiled and took another sip of coffee. " I'm really glad we got a chance to do this. I've missed you," 

He grinned. His brown eyes glistened. She was almost sure they were friends again. 

" Look, the sun's coming up." She added. 

"Old habits die hard?" She looked down at her plate that was scraped of the last of meringue, "I've gotta go. It's almost a quarter after. Kerry will have my ass if I'm not there." 

" You have a shift?" 

"I've done it before. Go home. Get some rest. I'll see you tonight. You're working right?" 

"Yeah, I'll see you tonight." He got up from the table and left a twenty, never bothering to ask the real amount of their bill. _He had way too much money_, she thought., "Hey Carter?" 

He turned around. " Yeah?" 

" What are we now? Friends?" 

He thought a minute before responding. Before agreeing he replied, "Time will tell." 

He smiled and left. 

Yes, time would tell. Their relationship was so delicate. Nothing was ever set in stone. The only thing she was sure of was that it was another day. 

**************

_And now the night will throw its cover down on me again_

_And if I'm right _

_It's the only way to bring me back _

_ to you. _

_************** _

So? Do you like it? I hope so. This idea of doing an extended series based around music has been in my mind for quite sometime. I truthfully haven't had time lately to set my thoughts afloat. Now that I have, I'm glad I waited for the perfect time and for the perfect album. Nora Jones is so perfectly poignant_, _especially for the Carby in me. I, a lot like Susan lately, have wanted to blow chunks. However, Thurday nights episode has given me faith. I'm unsure of how to say it, but I actually have hope. Please review. I'll cry if you don't. J/K. Peace and Love-moi. __

  
  



	2. What Am I To You?

This is chapter two of my little experiment. Thank you all for your kind words. I appreciate them. I figured you wanted me to continue so I am. The title of this track is _What Am I to You?_ Read the words very carefully because they're beautiful and they apply with ease. Enjoy. 

Feels Like Home: Chapter 2 

************

_What am I to you?_

_Tell me darlin' true_

_To me you are the sea _

_Vast as you can be_

_And deep the shade of blue_

************

The heavy wind blew strongly around her, tousling the tendrils loosed from her ponytail that fell around her face. It was bitterly cold, and it seemed that a coat, scarf, and gloves couldn't make the grade anymore. Even the Weather Channel meteorologists said Chicago was the only location other than Siberia to receive snow. _The lake effect sucks_, she thought putting her hands in her pockets. Yes, the city was true to its nickname. 

Walking along the coastline of Lake Michigan, It always seemed calming and peaceful to her. Any trial that came her way was ebbed as soon as she felt the breeze and inhaled the saltiness of the tide. She chuckled at her last memory of the beach. It was more of a chaotic sort rather than peaceful. On the other hand, she did seem more like the butterfly these days rather than the tornado. 

"Abby." A distant voice called, drowning out the squawk of seagulls. 

"Abby!" It called again. 

"ABBY!" It was loud and clear this time. 

She was aroused from her thoughts. 

" Sorry. I was on the beach. Distracting myself from those pesky charts that keep piling up outside," she took a sip of her coffee, "how are things going out there anyway?" 

"I can't hear you, Abby. I'm back in Barbados." Susan replied with a slight giggle. 

"Yeah, so is Carter." She retorted bitterly 

Her older friend and colleague searched her features with compassion. 

" Barbados is in Central America. It's near Jamaica. Carter's in the Congo. That's in Africa, Babes!" 

" Thanks for the geography lesson," She rolled her eyes and sighed heavily, "Don't they have birth control in Zaire or wherever the hell they are? Wait. Never mind. That's where all the AIDS comes from!" 

" You're hopeless." 

" Color me infeasible." She dead panned

" Are you gonna tell him?" Susan asked, with a glimmer of hope that maybe she could plead with Abby to open up. 

" Tell him what? He's in Africa. Which is quite the palpable distance, I believe. What do you want me to do? Write him a cheap letter? I could use the word unfettered! What am I supposed to tell him?" 

" That you're in love with him and can't live another moment without him." 

" Have you forgotten a certain British, pregnant wench, and where have I heard that before?" She asked, receiving a guilty expression. 

************

_When you're feeling low _

_To whom else do you go? _

_I'd cry if you hurt _

_I'd give you my last shirt _

_Because I love you so. _

************

She always hated the complicated cases. Gun shot wounds, psychopaths, pulmonary embolisms, stab wounds, premature births, and an innumerable amount of sutures were all normal. What was complicated? A twenty-six-year-old with schizophrenia oddly decides to shoot his pregnant girlfriend, who was only at the end of her first trimester, but he's scared and decides to stab himself with a butcher knife. The girlfriend is fine, but they had to deliver the baby four months early. The freak, on the other hand, is being wheeled up to surgery by Elizabeth Corday in hopes of saving his left lung due to a pulmonary embolism. Those were the complicated cases. 

" He's going to be a great father! He's not crazy like this all the time. I want them to live! Please tell me they're going to live," the young girl cried hysterically in Abby's arms, "Dr. Lockhart, I heard about you saving that guy who got shot by the cannon. If you can save him, you can save Rick and my baby." 

" They're doing the best they can. He's in surgery now with Dr. Corday and Dr. Dorset. They're two of the best surgeons in the business. Your baby is on the ventilator which is helping him breathe. His lungs were not fully developed but his heart was. He has a strong heartbeat. That's a good sign. Do you have a name picked out yet?" 

"John.""Abby." She heard simultaneously. She looked away to find Pratt standing in the door. 

" Abby, phone for you." He repeated. 

She turned to the new mother. "I'll be right back." 

She passed the front desk and told Jerry that she would take it in the lounge. Jerry was back due to Frank's latest bat with a heart attack and angioplasty. 

"Hello?" 

"Hey!" She heard the cheery, familiar voice. 

"Carter?" She suddenly felt the butterflies in her stomach shoot from their spun cocoons. 

" You're not busy are you? I figured I might call and chat a few minutes while I had the chance." 

" No, It's pretty calm in our neck of the woods. The below freezing temperatures tend to keep the nut jobs at home." She lied. 

" Home sweet igloo. It's 103 degrees here and rising. Enjoy the cold." 

"How's Kem?" That was the exact same thing she asked the last time they talked. 

" Honestly, I don't really know." He replied with a hint of sadness and anger. She could hear it all over his voice. 

***********

_If my sky should fall _

_Would you even call? _

_I've opened up my heart _

_I never want to part _

_I'm givin' you the ball. _

************

She sat there and listened to him cry. He told her all about the lies and deceit. The supposed mother of his child wanted only his money. She didn't want his love or companionship. No, that was her job. _Where did that come from, _she asked herself out loud. This was the first time in a long time that they were open and honest with each other. It felt like a breath of fresh air. 

"I wish I could be there for you." She admitted to him, but mostly to herself. 

" I'm coming home in a couple days. I have to make a last few adjustments here at the clinic, but after that, I'm on the first flight back to Chicago. Alone." He finished matter-of-factly. 

" I still miss you. I miss our long talks like this." 

"I just miss our friendship in general." 

"What?" She asked, knowing fully well what he said. That made her nervous. 

" I miss you too." He corrected himself. Did she want him back? He couldn't tell. Like he had said, time would tell with their relationship. He realized they couldn't label anything just yet. That's what happened the first time around. If they jumped back in too quickly, they both might just drown. 

************

_When I look in your eyes _

_I can feel the butterflies _

_I'll love you when your blue_

_But tell me darlin' true _

_What am I to you? _

************

They hung up and she went back towards the trauma room where her patient sat waiting. She noticed they brought her baby down from the NICU. She exhaled, completely relieved that she did not have to return there. Her mind began to wander. _Did she say that her baby's name was John?_

" I'm sorry. I had to take that," She turned to the baby, "how's he doing?" 

"Better and so am I. Have you talked to the surgeon? Please tell me he's going to live." She was much calmer now. 

"I'm not sure. The last time I heard, they were repairing the damage done to the lung. It's already been drained. I'll let you know if I hear anything else. Like I said before, he's in good hands." 

" You just don't understand. You don't have to deal with someone with a mental disorder every day of your life. Sure, you see freaks come and go, but it's different when it's someone you love." 

Abby closed her eyes. This woman had no earthly idea what she had gone through in her past and probably would in the future. It is different when it's someone you love or two people rather. Her mother and her brother were both Bi-polar. They were manic depressive had she had lived with it her whole life. She was one of those who dealt with those freaks that came and went. 

" Actually, I know exactly what you're going through. They're happy as a lark one day and ready to kill themselves the next." Thoughts were poring into her brain, but one was definitely clear._ I need a cigarette._

" I live with it. You're just a doctor who prescribes the Perkiset." 

" Let me let you in on a little secret. I've lived with mental disorders my whole life. My mother has been manic depressive ever since I was a little girl, and around this time last year, my brother was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder too. So, I know it's hard. It's really hard. You need a shoulder to cry on to let you know that everything will be okay. Believe me, I understand. More than you will ever know." 

The woman just stared at her completely awestruck. 

"I hate to interrupt, but I have some news," Elizabeth replied, "In the middle of trying to repair the extreme damage done to Rick's lung, a major artery was accidentally damaged in the process. It was penetrated causing blood to drown the right lung while repairing the left. I'm sorry." 

The surgeon excused herself as the woman began to cry. Abby excused herself as well. 

***********

_If my sky should fall _

_Would you even call? _

_I've opened up my heart _

_I never wanna part_

_I'm givin' you the ball. _

************

She trudged into the lounge on what seemed to be her last leg. The day seemed to be just as horrible as the last. The cases became even more complicated as the week went on. _Oh to be back on the beach_, she thought while pouring herself a much needed cup of glorified water that was supposedly coffee. 

Things were so much more complicated now. Patients, work, relationships. That was one thing she looked forward to every day. She would come to work, treat patients, have a cigarette on the roof, have coffee and pie, and that would be her day except for coming home to watch Fox's latest twist on the world of reality television. Even watching rose ceremonies, the munching of animal innards, or Simon Cowell's latest retort towards America's newest cruise ship performer was becoming complicated. Nevertheless, deciding who to vote for on American Idol was much easier than actually having a love life. She missed her relationship with Carter. It was the only steadfast thing in her life. It was always there when she needed it until now. Were they friends? Were they more? She really wasn't sure. 

"Hey you," Her friend called strolling inside before sitting down to the newest issue of Us Weekly, "you know I can't really understand the big deal with this Janet Jackson scandal. I've got bigger boobs than she does. You know what they should be doing? Looking at her brother. I knew there was something funny going on when he started hanging out with the Home Alone kid and bought a chimp named Bubbles." 

She chuckled. "You're an idiot." 

" You know you work at County General when . . ." Susan dead panned. 

"Sleep with half your colleagues? Die in a tragic helicopter crash? Enjoyed the whole Britney/ Madonna lesbian kiss way too much?" She suggested. 

"I was going for watching way too much Entertainment Tonight, but that works too," She mused before flipping the page, "I heard Carter called." 

Her eyes widened. "That was unnecessary. At least there wasn't a letter." 

" Are you guys . . . You know what I mean." Susan always tiptoed around what she really wanted to say. 

" I don't know. Kem lied to him." 

" Poor Carter." That was the only sympathetic thing she could think of. 

"Yeah, we talked for a few minutes. I don't know. It's confusing. It's like we're stuck in that same cycle over and over again. It really sucks." 

"I understand." 

************

_When I look in your eyes _

_I can feel the butterflies _

_Can you find a love in me? _

_Would you carve me in a tree? _

_Don't fill my heart with lies _

_I will love you when you're blue _

_But tell me darlin' true _

_What am I to you? _

*************

This is the second installment. I hoped you like it. It's a tiny bit longer than the first chapter. Thanks again for all your kind words. Two down. Eleven to go. Please review. I'll love you forever and ever. Peace and Love- moi. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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